Joke jokes

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. Nobody would laugh, but then immediately after Neil would follow up with, "Ah well, I guess you had to be there."

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Best Computer Science Joke!

A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts. "Hey!" she says. "Those are private!" The man says, "But we're in the same class!"

What do you call a cow...

...w/ no legs? Ground beef.

...w/ 1 leg? Stake.

...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.

...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.

...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy.

...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.

...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.

...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.

...w/ a twitch? Beef jerky.

I could keep going but I've milked this joke dry

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they say she was imaginary...

Well, jokes on them - they're imaginary too.

Sex is like a poorly explained joke.

I don't get it.

I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)

What's the difference between a joke and a repost???

...about two hours.

I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke. Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!" Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike

I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes...

... you need to let that mango.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.

If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.

I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Blonde Joke of the day

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's funny as a motherfucker

Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.

(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )