This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
I had sex for an hour and 20 seconds today...
Thank you daylight savings time.
Scientists have found a way to slow down the speed of light...
They shine it through a post office.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”
The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “Are you performing any better in bed now?” The man says, “I don’t know, I’m 35 miles away.”
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
So Darwin comes across a sad penguin in an airport....
He goes up to the penguin and asks, "Why so angry, you cute little fella?"
The penguin looks up to him and says "flight's delayed."
You know what, as a Jew, I'm getting really tired of these Jewish jokes.
We need to stop giving them away for free and figure out a way to monetize them.
The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Will Smith’s next movie
One flew over the cuckold’s nest
Father: Son, i donated your toys to the Orphanage.
Son: Why did you do that?
Father : So you don't get bored there
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.
Why do old people like golf?
Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole
A guy got thrown in the jail for refusing to take a nap..
He was resisting a rest.
I used to be heavily addicted to soap...
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
When I'm sad I cut myself
A slice of cake.
A photon is at the customs window when the agent asks: "Do you have any luggage to declare?"
The photon answers: "No, I'm traveling light."
A German tourist comes to France
...a border control asks him
"Occupation?"
German: No just visiting.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
