Myself jokes

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I was driving past a prison the other day...

Looking out my window, I glanced up and saw a dwarf scaling down a very tall fence. It was obvious he was breaking out of the prison. I looked up at him and he looked down at me with an angry stare like “wtf the fuck are you looking at?”

I drove away and thought to myself that was a little condescending.

To everyone out there suffering from Paranoia

Just remember you're not alone

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday"

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

What do giants and strippers both have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

How do you leave Vegas with 1 million?

Come with 2 million

"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day to relax and hit a birdie....

It was a partridge on a par 3.

The difference between racism and Asians?

Racism has many faces.

What do you call a breakdancer with dwarfism?

A midget spinner

Happy Cinco De Mayo. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three

He says "uno, dos..." then disappears without a tres.

A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...

After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

If having sex for money makes you a whore

then having sex for free makes you a non-profit whoreganization