Myself jokes

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy...

That we have health insurance.

What do you call a line at the gay bar?

An LGBT queue.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift...

But I couldn't find a manual...

Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.

Two morticians meet in a bar...

...and talk about their jobs. The first mortician says to the other: "Today I got a woman who had a clitoris like a pickled cucumber". the other one asks: "What, so big?" "No," says the first, "so salty!"

I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the future good for him.

Prison may be just one word

But for some people it's a whole sentence

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Always Wanted to get Married

My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl.

So we converted to Islam.

Most people are assholes. Don't believe me?

Next time you see a group of people, yell out "hey, asshole!"

All of them will turn and look.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.

I'm kinda new to gardening...

Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.

Well, I'm never doing that again...

I'll just stick to whipped cream.

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages....

Now we’re making money hand over fist