Myself jokes

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

earlier today I dropped an ice cube

It slipped under the refrigerator and I couldn't reach it. I was really upset about it at first but now I'm over it. water under the fridge.

I just discovered a major difference between me and Rapunzel.

Rapunzel lets her hair down but I let everybody near me down.

I always get the last laugh

Because no one else laughs at my jokes

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait..

Her answer may shock you!

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

What's the only branch of the government that actually listens to its people?

NSA

I think I'm failing my marine biology class

My grade is below C level.

An old lady Offers the bus driver some peanuts to which he happily eats....

Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts... Driver: why don't you eat them yourself? Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look! Driver: Then why do you buy them? Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

What do you call a gay guy in a coma?

A tomato

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

I can sympathise with batteries.

I am never included in anything either

What’s it called when a flower gives head?

Floral

Water is heavier than butane because...

Butane is a lighter fluid.

Two blondes fall into a well

The first one says “wow it’s really dark in here” the other says “really? I can’t see anything.”

I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

I became a proud dad today!

Well my son is 4.. But he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.