Myself jokes

I shit my pants the other day.

Which is funny, because I don't remember eating them.

I found a pen that writes underwater

It writes other words too

On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!

Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?

To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Welcome to invisibility class.

I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.

A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven

They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”

St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”

The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”

The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”

St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”

What's the favorite drink of every British serial killer?

Casual tea

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At the second hand store!

BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth

After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.

After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.

I don't always tell Dad jokes,

but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

My grandfather was a baker in the army...

...he went in all buns glazing.

Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.

The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"

That was the punch line.

Bob told me he could never kill an animal.

He's more of a people person.

What do you call fapping to dubstep?

Wubbing one out.