Myself jokes

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

My new girlfriend dumped me when she found out I was missing a toe

Apparently she's lactose intolerant.

Remember, if you smoke after sex

you’re doing it too fast.

How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?

He force feeds himself.

I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.

$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today

Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint.

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife"

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation. "I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies. "And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires. "I was making a bolt for the door".

I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo

A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".

I hate it when people make fun of the disabled

They can't even stand up for themselves

Ohayo means "good morning" in Japanese

And that is the most interesting thing about Ohio.

Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet?

Because the others are Not-Cs

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

Why was epsilon afraid of zeta?

Because zeta eta theta.

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

I asked my girlfriend to 69

She sighed and said, “how bout instead we 9p?”

I got really excited- “I’ve never done that before! How does it work?”

“Well, you lay that way, I lay this way, and then we go the fuck to sleep”

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes...

... you need to let that mango.