A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father
The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"
What is the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle.
How do you get Germans to start a war?
Win the previous war.
Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open.
Particularly the ones on bikes.
As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting.
But apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.
How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
Why was the broom late?
because it overswept
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.
Turns out they were firefighters.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?
She kept running away from the ball.
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
Because deep down, they're really good people
One minute you're young and fun...
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
NSFW, what do you call phone sex on an iPhone?
A Steve job.
Two cows are standing in a barn.
Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.
I was asked " why did you marry a drug dealer"
Because my parents told me to marry someone with substance.
I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...
He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.
First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
Touched by Jesus
Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.
A blonde sees a another blonde across a lake and asks "How do I get to the other side?" the other blonde replies...
"You are on the other side".