Other jokes

After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.

Turns out it was a cagey bee.

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

What I want written on my tombstone:

"Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice *juuust* right

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

A man asks a woman how to spell “yacht”

Woman: “Y-A-H-T”

Man: “where’s the C”

Woman: “under the fucking yacht”

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

Doctor told me it was perfectly normal to get an erection during the prostate exam

- " But doctor, I don't have an erection"

- "I do, but it's perfectly normal"

You know what gets me down?

An extra Chromsome

What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

A hooker walked up to me....

And said "I'll suck your dick for $20."

I said "Let me see the $20 first."

I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer.

Two old guys were chatting in the park.

"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Hello, I'd like a hamburger please."

The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."

The man apologizes, then whispers ^"I'd ^like ^a ^hamburger ^please."

A plane is about to crash

A female passenger gets up and frantically announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "here iron this."