Phone jokes

Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.

Grandpa: You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table. Me: And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school.

When my girlfriend says, "Unlock your phone. I need to check something." I just look at her crazy.

I don't even let my wife do that.

I like my women like I like my phones

Thin, smart, imported from Japan, and in my pocket all the time.

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It’s still fowl language

I just deleted all the German names from my phone

Now it's Hans free.

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

NSFW, what do you call phone sex on an iPhone?

A Steve job.

I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.

First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper...

She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Why did Frodo set his phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away.

An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and closed up”... “Ahhh bummer mate”, the helpline operator replied. “Oh cheers, great idea, thanks mate!” Replied Bruce... and put the ‘phone down.....

World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

"World peace" I said.

"Something more realistic!" she laughed

"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"

She reached for the phone.

"Who are you calling?" I asked.

"The United Nations" she replied.

I used to be a phone sex operator...

But I got hearing aids.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

Nurse: “My phone just died.”

Doctor: “Let’s call it.”

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.