Police jokes

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said Tom. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’s husband is pale as a ghost and visibly shaken. “What’s the matter with him?” he asks.

She answers, “We just got off of interstate 195.”

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a drive when they are stopped by the police.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" demands the cop. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I knew where I was."

The cop sniffs, then opens the trunk and says "And do you know there is a dead cat in here?". "Well, I do *now*!" Schrodinger scowls.

Boy: Dad, look! I got a new Xbox!

Dad: Wow! Where did you get it?

Boy: I won it in a race.

Dad: Nice! How many people were there?

Boy: Ummm . . . two others

Dad: Who were they?

Boy: Ummm . . . I don’t remember

Dad: C’mon. You must remember one of them

Boy: Well, there was me . . .

Dad: And . . .?

Boy: The store owner and the police

I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this June!”

I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have balls."

There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.

"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"

"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer

"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

I've been told by people I light up a room

According to police it's called arson and those people are "witnesses"

Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

A girl once said about me "He's the one!"

Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.

A man gets kicked out of police camp for writing "Who's that Pokémon" next to chalk outlines.

A police officer spots an elderly woman carrying two large sacks, one leaking $20 bills. He asks her, "Where did you get all that money?" She explains, "There's a golf course behind my house. When golfers pee through a hole in my fence, I threaten to cut it off unless they pay $20."

The cop asks about the other sack. She replies, "Not everyone pays."

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

I love throwing house warming parties

**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

Two rapists

Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: "We are looking for two rapists." The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: "Okay, we're in."

A police man searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"its not my fault", I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he said

I said, "I'll Prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on than." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said,

"Well, show me your pocket than."

"What for?" I asked

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"