So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...
And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs. "Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
A rope walks into a bar...
And orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Move to the left!
"A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".
All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.
The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked," How come your wife can't control you?"
The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move".
Uvalde citizen gets pulled over
A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have balls."
Dodged the bullet
A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.
After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.
The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm
The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."
The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."
To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."
Milk Order
A milkman gets an order for 40 gallons of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 40 gallons. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."
The Honest Thief
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal
... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"
The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"
The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"
From my dad.
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”
St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”
The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”
St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”
A man dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."
There are five cows on a farm: one mama cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well, honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because, honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replies, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licks his cone and replies:
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table. What was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
A police officer spots an elderly woman carrying two large sacks, one leaking $20 bills. He asks her, "Where did you get all that money?" She explains, "There's a golf course behind my house. When golfers pee through a hole in my fence, I threaten to cut it off unless they pay $20."
The cop asks about the other sack. She replies, "Not everyone pays."