A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Two men are talking about their sex lives...
One says to the other "I'm not getting on too badly. I have welfare sex."
"What's welfare sex?" asks the other
"Simple." replies the first guy. "I get some each month, but it ain't enough to live on!"
Personal Question
On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."
"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"
A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.
He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"
The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"
The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "
A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.
My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"
I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."
A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...
The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:
- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German
- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.
- Well, he...
Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:
- I will fall down, you idiot!
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.
The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.
A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.
He ordered them to all drop their pants.
They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.”
The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”
Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...
He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"
She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."
Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."
During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."
"My name is not Dave," I replied.
"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."
A man and a wife are sitting outside...
The wife is bent over in the garden and the man exclaims "Damn! Your butt is almost as wide as the barbecue!" She proceeds to garden and brushes off the remark. Later on that night the man nudges his wife and asks her for some fun. She replies "If you think i'm firing up this grill for one little wiener, you got another thing coming."
Not my joke, I only wish I was this funny...
A German tourist jumped into the water to save my dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he passed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off and he vill he fine”.
I said “are you a vet?” He replied “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”
A Finnish joke from the Cold War
During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.
He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.
The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.
“We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure”, the general replied.
So, I went to the doctor...
She asked "What brings you here today?"
I replied "My car."
And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."
A pirate goes to a doctor
worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.
He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"
The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"
The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
Smoking two cigarettes at once
A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".
"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.
"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"
"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"
Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are those?"
Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."
"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"
