See jokes

A rope walks into a bar

And sees someone sitting at the bar reposting this joke. The rope hangs the reposter.

What did the psychiatrist say to the naked man?

I used to think you were crazy, but now I see your nuts.

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the TV wasn't on.

How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on. Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses? Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

I don't have a great relationship with my doctor.

In fact, I feel sick every time I see her.

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

A little girl comes home with $20

And runs straight to her mum

"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"

The next day the girl comes home with $50

"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"

The girl responded

"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Probably photos, reflective surfaces, things of that nature.

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.

Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa?

Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram of Easter and we love Easter!

Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!

Mom: My pleasure Alan.

A horse went into a pub every night for a week.

The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? ' " I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence. You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?

I don’t see the point, it’s needless.

Did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....

He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.

Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it. So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.

Wonderwoman: Did you feel that strong gust of wind just now?

Invisible Man: Yeah, and on top of that my ass is killing me.

What will the neighbors think?

With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband: "What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?" The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like." The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?" The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."

A mean teacher wanted to show his class he meant business.

So he asked, "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up." After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'