She jokes

My wife is a horrible singer .

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair?

Nothing. You push them both aside and keep on eating.

I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college

My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent

Why did Elon Musk abandon his Twitter acquisition?

He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

Why did the chicken kill itself ?

To get to the other side.

I just had an orgasm that lasted six hours

It’s been a long time coming

My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks out of the bottle...

What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman?

Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?

So I'm fucking this guy in the ass, right?

... and I'm fucking him, and I'm fucking him ...

... and I'm fucking him ...

... and then I reach around, and he's ***HARD***.

And I'm like ***SHIT THIS GUY IS A FAG!***

----------------------

I like to tell that one whenever the conversation stops at a party.

Why are sperm donations worth more than blood donations?

Because they’re made by hand

I bought the world's worst thesaurus today.

Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.

A woman is sitting in a park one day, watching two men work. The first man digs a hole, and then the second man fills it back in. Then the first man digs another hole, and again, the second man fills it back up. They keep doing this over and over again. Finally, the women asks them, “Why do you keep digging holes and filling them back in?” One of the guys replies, “Well, usually there’s a third guy here who puts in the tree, but he’s out sick today.”

I recently came into a large sum of money

Now all the bills are sticking together

I wrote a poem.

I dig.

You dig.

She digs.

He digs.

They dig.

We dig.

Now I know it's not a very good poem, but it's pretty deep.

What's black and doesn't work?

Decaf coffee

As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

My brother took being sent to prison really badly.

He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.

That was the last time we played monopoly.

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it. Some people have no consideration for others.

What do you call a black guy in outer space?

An astronaut you racist bastard.