She jokes

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater

*assault rifle tips fedora*

M’16.

What do you call a color that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light-bulb?

None. Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark.

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".

Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.

If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Pavlov walks into a bar

As he opens the door the bell rings. "Oh shit!" Yells Pavlov, "I forgot to feed my dogs!"

Did you hear about the prostitute who got fired for going on strike?

She just didn't give a fuck.

I just had to pay to refill the air in my tyres. It used to be free!!

Fucking inflation

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

The cost of living has now become so expensive.....

....that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

I messaged my ex on the day before my exam.

I asked if she had any good cheating tips