She jokes

Went to buy a lighter on Amazon,

when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

My wife and I have been arguing about whether we want kids

Our son is taking it really hard

On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.

Later, he offered her a cigarette.

"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.

On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.

"Okay," his date replied.

"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.

"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.' "

I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...

It only made it more sluggish.

What's the name of NASA's launch button?

The "Space Bar"

I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard

From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.

I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..

When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other...

...the NSA will finally read it.

One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain...” “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”

What's the opposite of a microwave?

A tsunami.

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a priest?

Alien vs predator

What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?

If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.

What goes "Ooooooooooo!"?

A cow with no lips.

My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.

He’s now Dr.Awkward.

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

I’m convinced COVID couldn’t have come from China...

Nothing from China lasts 2 years