She jokes

Doctor: I'm afraid you lost 20% of your sight.

Me: *(sigh)*

Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

My son said "Dad, does wanking give you muscles?"

I replied "I'm not sure son, but don't stop, I'm about to cum."

I inherited some land recently and managed to buy 100 donkeys for £100...

...I planned on selling them one by one for a profit, but overnight some sick guy broke into my farm and cut all the donkeys tails off! Now I'm left with 100 donkeys with no tails, so I'm going to have to wholesale them!

(ask me why I have to wholesale them...)

Well I can't retail them can I?!

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?

Do you see what I see?

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese

made a language entirely out of tattoos.

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

A Soviet citizen turns on the TV

On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels..."

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic? Mom: Of course not. Son: Well neither would he.

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! ...Next Day... (Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.

Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually

I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa

Went to buy a lighter on Amazon,

when I searched, it said, "4.2 million matches found!" Guess I'll have to go to the store.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

My wife and I have been arguing about whether we want kids

Our son is taking it really hard