The bravest thing I ever did
I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting.
I waited over an hour to speak.
Heard all the stories.
Finally it was my turn.
"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body" I said.
Everyone nodded.
"That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is."
Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!
The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
Dicks are like paychecks.
You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.
After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
It's not surprising that the Japanese have adopted so much of American culture.
The first American product they tested blew everyone away.
My girlfriend just freaked me out...
she gave me a blow job but insisted on role playing as a 12 year old.Fucking weird and gross. I was like "You're going to be 12 in a couple of months, what's the rush?
What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?
A food fight.
What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla Model S?
The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year
Why do dwarves laugh when they play soccer?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants...
The bartender looks over and says, "Get the fuck out of my bar, we're sick of hearing this goddamn joke."
Why do Indians hate snow?
It's white and it's on their land.
My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.
We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.
What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.
I try to fill the void in my life with food...
But it always goes to shit.
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...
“If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?
Because one more would be too farty
I just found out I'm colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless.