Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today
Congratulations Themi Lovato!
Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along
Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors
What gets long when you jerk it,fits between boobs,slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?
A seat belt you pervert
How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
I have a fear of overly intricate buildings...
I have a complex complex complex.
Having gay parents must be wild
You either get twice the "dad" jokes or an endless loop of, "go ask your mother"
So I tried catching some fog today...
I mist.
So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid
Guess that makes it Priustoric
It was my birthday...
Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.
Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar
They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.
David Cameron
Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
Old joke about heaven and hell
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.
Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.
My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.
On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of 3?
The signs say "no trespassing"
Did you see the Broadway musical about the dictionary?
It's a play on words.
With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”
He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”
Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better weed?
Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.
Where do squirrels go in a hurricane?
All over the place!