Sleep jokes

I only sleep with democrats.

That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.

I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

Dad explained the difference between theory and reality.

Dad told me to ask mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Mom said she would. Dad then told me to ask my sister if she would sleep with the neighbor for one million dollars. Sis said she would. Dad said right. In theory, we are sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we are living with two whores.

I'm great at sleeping...

In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed!

Father’s Day Presents..

5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives

Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !

*Happy Father’s Day!*

How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

I'm going to name my son Awesome...

...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just

a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away

“Stewardess”

“Yes, Sir?”

“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can’t sleep.”

“Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

I asked my girlfriend to 69

She sighed and said, “how bout instead we 9p?”

I got really excited- “I’ve never done that before! How does it work?”

“Well, you lay that way, I lay this way, and then we go the fuck to sleep”

It makes sense that Bernie Sanders supports Marijuana legalization...

...because his success has hinged upon high voter turnout.

HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Fuck, I need to sleep...

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it......

He's gay, definitely gay.

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:

- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

The woman giggles.

- Of course I would!

- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?

The woman looks disgusted.

- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?

- That’s already been established. Now we’re just haggling about the price.

A wife texted her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid napping.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

“If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping.