So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.
His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”
“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
I am doing a bra giveaway.
Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.
If life give you melons...
You're probably dyslexic.
My wife and I finally finished baby-proofing the house.
Let's see that baby try and get in here now.
My friend got hired at a dildo factory
He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80’s bands
There is no cure
Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon
The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Is it possible to be bored to death?
That all depends on the drill.
father:how are your grades son?
son: underwater, dad
father: underwater? what do you mean?
son:they're below C level
A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double
The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.
Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always comes in another box.
A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number”
The son says it’s wrong
The dad asks “what’s ten times two?”
The son replies “Twenty”
Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”
I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...
Luckily only one crow showed up...
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...
She was attacked by a giant crab.
Why is a UTI such a bad thing?
Because it means urine trouble
What Did the Little corn ask his mama corn?
mom wheres Popcorn
Where do sheep get drunk in Boston?
At the baaaaa.
Thank you!
What weighs more, black or gray?
Black does. Gray is a little lighter.
Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.