Today jokes

I did my personal best in the 100 metres today....

74 metres.

I found a pot of gold today...

Au yeah

Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today

Congratulations Themi Lovato!

So I tried catching some fog today...

I mist.

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.

Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.

I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?!” I cried.

“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.

And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.

Saw an amputee in the gym today..

Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.

So today, someone stole my Mood Ring.....

I honestly don't know how to feel about it.

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Dodged the bullet

A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.

I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 911 documentary.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.