A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks
. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Why did the sperm cross the street?
Because I put on the wrong socks today
I created a new word today.
Plagiarism.
Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.
They are treating the offence as race related.
Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident today...
Apparently some dick cut her off.
6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me
Today my 4-year-old asked me what an autobiography is
So I said to her, "It's self-explanatory".
Friend: I got kicked out of math class today.
Me: Why? Friend: Turns out mouthwash doesn't come after 69.
A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"
She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"
Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"
She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"
Found 4 fox cubs
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter.
I will not be coming into work today.
So I was at the Library today
.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"
Today, I got pulled over by a female cop.
I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong.
She said "NOTHING!"
A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...
It says, "I'll be your server today."
I went for a job interview today to work for a blacksmith
He asked if I had any experience in shoeing a horse?
I said ”No! But I once told a donkey to fuck off!”
My parrot died today...
His last words were
“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.
Turns out it's tomorrow.