Today jokes

My parrot died today...

His last words were

“Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die”

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared. So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex. When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused: "So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

I saw a Nun with her clothes inside-out today...

I asked her about it, and she said it was *a bad habit of hers*

I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

I was just fired today, simply for telling my co-worker that her hair smelled nice.

I think they are discriminating against me for being a midget.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

There's a strange new trend at work, people are writing names on the food in the company fridge

Today I had a chicken sandwich named Kevin

Mom: "How was school today, Noah?"

Noah: "It was awesome! Today we made explosives!"

Mom: "Very interesting. What will you do in school tomorrow?"

Noah: "What school?"

Dear Americans, As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.

Greetings from Europe!

A drunk stumbles out of the bar at 7am....

As he walks home, he sees a nun walking towards him. He stares her down the entire time as they get closer and closer. Right as they are about to pass, he punches her right in the face, knocking her out cold, then stands over her body and yells, "Not so tough today, are ya, Batman?".

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the TV wasn't on.

You racist!

An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars at the currency exchange was getting irritated at the teller.

She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.

The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too!”

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

An Apple store I was at today just got robbed.

I guess that makes me an iWitness.

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pool.