Today jokes

I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke.

So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

Two morticians meet in a bar...

...and talk about their jobs. The first mortician says to the other: "Today I got a woman who had a clitoris like a pickled cucumber". the other one asks: "What, so big?" "No," says the first, "so salty!"

143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the future good for him.

earlier today I dropped an ice cube

It slipped under the refrigerator and I couldn't reach it. I was really upset about it at first but now I'm over it. water under the fridge.

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

I became a proud dad today!

Well my son is 4.. But he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.

My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today

He's had the costume on for the last 20 years

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

I got a free iPad and iPhone today.

It's like... this gun is magic!!!

I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..

..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.

Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway...

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

I bumped into an old school friend today...

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"

I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.

The stables have turned

A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!