This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"
Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."
Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*
I did my personal best in the 100 metres today....
74 metres.
I found a pot of gold today...
Au yeah
Demi Lovato announced they are non-binary today
Congratulations Themi Lovato!
So I tried catching some fog today...
I mist.
Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar
They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.
I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.
I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.
Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...
“What did you just call it?!” I cried.
“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.
And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.
Saw an amputee in the gym today..
Couldn't help but wonder if he skips on leg day.
So today, someone stole my Mood Ring.....
I honestly don't know how to feel about it.
The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.
I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
Dodged the bullet
A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.
I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.
All I did was greet my friend Jack.
The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?
Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”