Today jokes

I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 911 documentary.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

Couples Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

Her: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!

He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital....

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

Tried Turkish food today...

It was revolting

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?

Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

Today is Abdul's farewell party.

Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"

Because it's a cow word.

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I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

I told my wife I saw someone fall under the bus today. She said, “Oh my God, was it moving?”

I said, “A few people were crying, but I was fine.”

Ten years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny

So, I went to the doctor...

She asked "What brings you here today?"

I replied "My car."

And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."

So I asked a bunch of guys today if they would go gay for a billion dollars.

And I didn't get any straight answers.

Today, I walked into a restaurant.

"Hi, is my table ready?"

"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay."

"Great, take these salads to table six then."

I got asked out by SO many ladies today. My secret?

I was in the ladies restroom.

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”