Today jokes

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today

I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.

I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.

My yoga teacher was drunk today

Put me in a very awkward position

Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

Teenage sex

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

I shot a turkey for the first time today...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

I called Masturbators Anonymous to let them know I wouldn't be at the meeting...

...because I'm just not feeling myself today.

I bought a wig for a dollar today

It was a small price toupee.

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

However, i didn't freak out about it like the other people in the elevator.

“Poor Old fool,”...

...thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

I got fired from the juice factory today

I just couldn't concentrate

So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.

Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.

The Telemarketer

A telemarketer is making calls when a gentleman answers. "Good evening sir, how are you? I am calling today to--" when the man who answers interrupts him. He said, "Hold on now, first *I* have some questions for *you*." Amused, the telemarketer allows him to ask the questions. The man asks "What has a 2 inch penis, and hangs down?" The telemarketer replies "I give up, what?" The man says, "A monkey!... now what has a 9 inch penis, and hangs up?" The telemarketer says, "I don't know.."

--CLICK--

My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...

"That's probably why they got flowers then..."

Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.