Wife jokes

A husband and wife are in the doctor's office

The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".

My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

My wife just gave birth to our son on an aeroplane!

He was airborne

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?

He winked at me and said "Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......"

A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be until the mortgage is paid off."

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife

I thought that was an awesome trade

Honey, let's get naked!

This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, "Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dining table and eat our dinner!"

As they sat at the dining table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!"

The husband says, "That is because you have your breasts in the soup!"

An electrician comes home late....

Wife: "Wire you insulate?"

Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I."

The cost of living has now become so expensive.....

....that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

Move to the left!

"A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".

All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.

The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked," How come your wife can't control you?"

The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move".

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

Two old guys were chatting in the park.

"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy. "What happened?" asked the other guy. "We met," sighed the first.

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

My wife has a logic fetish...

She's always coming to conclusions.

After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"

The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"

The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"

From my dad.

After my wife died i couldn't look at women for 20 years

But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it