Work jokes

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

After sex I like to cook for my husband....

He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.

Hank Hill got a job working in a BDSM store.

He sells pro-pain and pro-pain accessories.

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.

I tried it... It doesn't work!!

However they have stopped squeaking.

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow? A: A bull-dozer Q: How does a farmer count his cows? A: With a cowculator Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work Q: Why don't cows have money? A: The farmers milk them dry Q: What's a grumpy cow called? A: Moooody

So I got fired from my job last night for being a 'Pervert'

I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work...

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"

The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."

The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed

Why was the mathematician late for work?

He took the rhombus.

Clock Shop

So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

I finally figured out where that "programmers live in basements" myth comes from!

It's because they prefer to work in a non-Windows environment.

When life closes a door

Open it back up; sort of how doors work.

A lady walked Into a pharmacy and spoke with the pharmacist

She asks the pharmacist if he has viagra. "I sure do" he responds. "Does it actually work?". "Of course it does." He responds. "Can you get it over the counter?" She asks.

"I can if I take two".

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, 'cause I'm still here.

I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone who works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.