Work jokes

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

How do we know 9/11 wasn't a government plot?

Because it worked.

"Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they’re in for. The first one says: 'I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.'

The second says: 'For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.'

The third one says: 'I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country.'"

"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"

"that is a cheap stereotype"

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices....

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden...

Called an old school friend, asked what was he doing nowadays...

He replied that he is working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment"

As always, I was impressed...

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

Cant work for my boss anymore

Me: I cant work for my boss anymore after what he told me yesterday.

Friend: What did he say?

Me: " You're fired "

My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...

"That's probably why they got flowers then..."

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

Degrees

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by.

I kneaded the dough.

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving

A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."

Communism works on paper

Unless that paper is used in a history book

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.