Years jokes

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the future good for him.

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

I became a proud dad today!

Well my son is 4.. But he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.

My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today

He's had the costume on for the last 20 years

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

Pain.

Two young boys are waiting for their surgery...

“What operation are you having done?”

“Getting my tonsils out, what about you?”

“Circumcision”

“Oh that’s bad, I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year”

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?

Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"

Movies are too violent

A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent. To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.

Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

In another 3029 years, there’s a chance that things will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

I was offered sex from a 21 year old woman...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon and vanilla.

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*