You jokes

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other...

...the NSA will finally read it.

One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain...” “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”

What's the opposite of a microwave?

A tsunami.

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a priest?

Alien vs predator

What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?

If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.

What goes "Ooooooooooo!"?

A cow with no lips.

My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.

He’s now Dr.Awkward.

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

I’m convinced COVID couldn’t have come from China...

Nothing from China lasts 2 years

It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week...

My mum was not happy!

Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?

It's called Chirpes.

It's a canerial disease.

It's untweetable.

do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

Introduced a friend of mine to minimalism

It was the least I could do.

what do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

I told my doctor that I got a nasty reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.

He asked where I had applied it.

I was on the bus.

I like my women how I like my Corona viruses

Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath