You jokes

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

What did the winner of the muscle loss competition get?

A-trophy

A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.

He is the seoul breadwinner

Where do cow farts come from?

The dairy air.

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

Why is Thor's brother always overlooked?

Because he's low key.

What's it called when an Asian man gives his best friend head?

A bro job.

Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great...

But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.

Masturbation should be considered a craft...

as it is 100% hand made.

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon. Nobody would laugh, but then immediately after Neil would follow up with, "Ah well, I guess you had to be there."

An undertaker says to a bereaved husband

‘When did you realise your wife was dead?’ ‘Well,’ he replies, ‘the sex was the same but the dishes just kept piling up...’

from Internet.

What kinds of guns do T-Rex's prefer?

...mainly SMALL ARMS.

You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins

Just be a catholic priest

In America police dogs are K9

In China they are E10.

What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?

I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

My friend asked me to stop singing wonderwall

I said maybe

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Communism works on paper

Unless that paper is used in a history book

"A nurse pulls out a rectal thermometer from her front pocket

Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

-jimmi carr

An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus

His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.

A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your cane, you wouldn't have this much trouble."

The old man replies: "Boy, I would be sitting down on this bus if only your father put on that rubber"