In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....
I should mind my own bismuth.
What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
About one U.S Leader.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts??
Beer nuts are $1.25 and deer nuts are under a buck.
My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
What does Titanic and the iPhone X have in common?
Jack is dead.
My son is a male trapped in a female's body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?
A widow.
I asked a Chinese Girl for her number...
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.
She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.
What’s the difference between a physicist and a physician?
A physicist is busy before firing a catapult; the physician is busy after.
My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...
My available balance is $9.11.
What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?
Growth.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen...
...boys develop them around the age of forty.
I got fired from the juice factory today
I just couldn't concentrate
So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.
Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.
Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?
To protect themselves from a salt
There are multiple reports claiming that Kim Jong-Un is dead.
Another Un bites the dust.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.
When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing. It just waved.
When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."