Jokes

Doctor

Doctor

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Body

Body

Double standards: Burning a body at a crematorium is praised; doing it at home is seen as destroying evidence.

Speed bump

Speed bump

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Memory

Memory

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

Thief

Thief

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now.

Divorce

Divorce

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy." Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's Goofy."

Man

Man

"One man's trash is another man's treasure." A great saying, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.

Husband

Husband

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

Guy

Guy

A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."

The guy says "What's the bad news?"

The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."

The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

Rizz

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

Wife

Wife

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

Man

Man

A man comes to a carpet store and says:

“I need a rug.”

“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”

“I need two rugs.”

Day

Day

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Teacher

Teacher

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: OOF

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents.

Priest

Priest

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

Condom

Condom

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike. If the rubber breaks, you're in trouble.

Johnny

Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. The teacher then asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gives Little Johnny an angry glare, turns around, and then, the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

Orphan

Orphan

Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.

Phone

Phone

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

Family

Family

My family is like a treasure... You need a map and a shovel to find them.