Call jokes

What do you call a woman that has sex for spaghetti?

A pastatute

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.

What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulance

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?

A ginger bred man.

Why do they call it the Dark Ages?

Because of all the Knights

In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

What do you call an aquatic Nazi?

Adolphin

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

NSFW, what do you call phone sex on an iPhone?

A Steve job.

I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.

First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!

The Telemarketer

A telemarketer is making calls when a gentleman answers. "Good evening sir, how are you? I am calling today to--" when the man who answers interrupts him. He said, "Hold on now, first *I* have some questions for *you*." Amused, the telemarketer allows him to ask the questions. The man asks "What has a 2 inch penis, and hangs down?" The telemarketer replies "I give up, what?" The man says, "A monkey!... now what has a 9 inch penis, and hangs up?" The telemarketer says, "I don't know.."

--CLICK--

Called an old school friend, asked what was he doing nowadays...

He replied that he is working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment"

As always, I was impressed...

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor?

Matt.

What do you call an ugly dinosaur?

An eyesaur

What do you call it when Condoleezza Rice pushes a stuck-up criminal down a flight of stairs?

Conde sending condescending con descending.

My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...

"That's probably why they got flowers then..."