As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”
The tree was stumped.
Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident today...
Apparently some dick cut her off.
If lesbians don't like men, then why do they use dildos?
Because scissoring just doesn't cut it.
How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?
Diagon alley
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.
Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.
How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?
With a pair of Caesars!
A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.
He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.
“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”
“I wasn’t drunk.” He replied.
Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off
I think I'm being stalked
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
I understand now why women have long hair
If I had to pay as much for a haircut, I'd put it off too.
What do Mexicans use to cut pizzas?
Little Ceasers
David Cameron
Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
What did the impatient emo do at the supermarket?
Cut in line.
What game does an emo hate the most? Cut the Rope.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree? You cut the rope...
A police officer spots an elderly woman carrying two large sacks, one leaking $20 bills. He asks her, "Where did you get all that money?" She explains, "There's a golf course behind my house. When golfers pee through a hole in my fence, I threaten to cut it off unless they pay $20."
The cop asks about the other sack. She replies, "Not everyone pays."
I met a girl at a bar who told me that she only dates men with 7inch dick.
Bitch I'm not going to cut 3 inches for you.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....
As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.