Everything jokes

My 28yo wife asked me how old does she look

Apparently, 42 is not the answer to everything

Perfect on the spot SFW joke

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

Car company executives must have the best memories in the world

because GM recalls everything.

A Texan got accepted to Harvard

A week before classes started, he decided to tour the campus to see where everything was. After a while he got lost, so he went up to a professor and asked "Do you know where the library's at?"

The professor replies, "Sorry, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions."

After a few seconds of thinking, the Texan asks, "Where's the library at, asshole?"

A week after the G7 Summit, they should have the C Major Summit

That would resolve everything.

It's too early for hurricane jokes

wait for everything to blow over first.

It was my birthday...

Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

Earth can not be flat

Because if it was cats would have pushed everything from the edge

Don't trust atoms, no matter what.

They make up everything.

My Wife was dying

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle—except my depression.

What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday? Christmas because everything is hanging.

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."

"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"

My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!". "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing, she is just having contractions."