Myself jokes

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

Two lawyers sit in a restaurant.

They're eating homemade sandwiches. The server comes along and stops them: "Excuse me, but it is not allowed to bring your own food here"

The lawyers share a glance, sigh and trade the sandwiches.

I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean.

Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.

How many guacas in a guacamole

6.02x10^23

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says,

"Audi".

I was first sexually active at 10.

It's now 10:30, and my arm hurts.

This joke has no punch line

But you might get a kick out of it

I shot a turkey for the first time today...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

# None

Lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome

I wanted my first time to be special

I’m going to start a restaurant called: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. You know what we’re going to serve?

Just desserts...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

A Jewish Kid...

Asks his dad to borrow $5 his dad replies with "$4 dollars?! what do you need $3 dollars for?!"

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Do you know why they buried George H. W. In Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport?

Because it’s way too cold for planting Bushes in Maine.. told to me by my mother

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,

"thanks for the Baghdad"

Someone drew a swastika on The Trump Tower

The police aren't sure if it's a supporter, or a hater.

My wife just described me as the 2nd least inquisitive person she's ever met

"Fair enough." I said.