Other jokes

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

What will the 10th movie in the Fast and Furious franchise be called?

Fast10

Your seat belts

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws

Outlaws are wanted

My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.

Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

My best friend committed suicide by overdosing on Viagra...

I'm not sure he chose the best method though, it seems like a hard way to go.

Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

Two lawyers sit in a restaurant.

They're eating homemade sandwiches. The server comes along and stops them: "Excuse me, but it is not allowed to bring your own food here"

The lawyers share a glance, sigh and trade the sandwiches.

I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean.

Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.

How many guacas in a guacamole

6.02x10^23

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says,

"Audi".

I was first sexually active at 10.

It's now 10:30, and my arm hurts.

This joke has no punch line

But you might get a kick out of it

I shot a turkey for the first time today...

Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen foods section.

How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

# None

Lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome

I wanted my first time to be special

I’m going to start a restaurant called: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. You know what we’re going to serve?

Just desserts...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"