Other jokes

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?

The newspaper headlines the next day read:

#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the Hell out

As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long slow, and very painful death He turned around and said, "So, you want me to fucking stay?"

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.

What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?

A bench can support a family.

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

A man is doing a crossword and asks his wife for help.

Husband: Body of water, three letters.

Wife: Bay.

Husband: Flying insect with stinger, three letters.

Wife: Bee.

Husband: To hush someone, four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Husband: Boat Noah built, three letters.

Wife: Ark.

Husband: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

7 dwarves were in a room and they started feeling sleepy.

So he left.

My autistic brother just told me this one lmao.

Him: What's the most autistic vegetable?

Me: What?

Him: ice-sperg lettuce!

A woman asks her doctor if she can get pregnant from anal sex

He answers, "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?

Grab a cup of joe.

I had to quit my job as a gay pornstar...

....It was such a pain in the ass

Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day

I'm sorry

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Remarry

What type of clothing does Trump have a secret collection of?

Russian ties.

Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

An amnesiac walks into a bar...

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

I recently learned the phrase Stockholm Syndrome

I wasn’t a big fan of it at first, but I’ve grown to love it