Other jokes

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

Why does the population of Detroit never change?

Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.

I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?

Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?

Too hard on the mule.

What do Mexicans use to cut pizzas?

Little Ceasers

Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike.

What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

Topless carwash

So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’

Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’

The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

I hope you don't get your period on Valentine's Day.

It's going to be a pain in the ass.

If you say a number loud enough its value increases.

* 5 = 5 * 5! = 120

2 Nazis walk into a BAR

They each get 10 shots

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.” Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.” He was right, I did laugh.

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

What does Mario use to talk to dead people?

A Luigi Board

If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:

Drink a whiskey drink

Drink a vodka drink

Drink a lager drink

Drink a cider drink

Sing the songs that remind you of the good times

Sing the songs that remind you of the better times

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this isn’t as bad as she feared, the woman asks for the good news to which the doctor replied:

“It’s dead.”

I walked into a library.

I said, "Have you got any books on..."

"Telepathy?"

"Yes."

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green

At least I avacado

Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first

It’s ok i will come inside..

Your momma so old...

You should call her and check in. Just say hello. Tell her you love her.