A Seventh Grade Health Class
was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"
A hooker goes to the doctor
She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant
"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"
"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't take anything out in time.
Creative Writing
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.
The prize winning essay read: "My God!" said the Queen. "I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..
..April fools!"
What's the difference between OP and a Pregnant woman?
She delivers.
“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”
“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”
“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...
like my name, phone number, address, etc.
A woman asks her doctor if she can get pregnant from anal sex
He answers, "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?
Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.
Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when they both are.
Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.
Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"
Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."
Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story:
There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umbrella against the leopard and tries to shoot. A loud bang is heard and the leopard dies on the spot.
Old man: That's impossible, somebody else must have shot the leopard!
Doctor: Exactly my point!
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A body builder
Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks
Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!
A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
