She jokes

You must be depression because you make me want to kill myself ;)

Grandpa: You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table. Me: And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school.

I saw an ISIS video, and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."

Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licks his cone and replies:

"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up.

"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually from an overdose."

Wanna hear some famous last words? "We are just experiencing some turbulence."

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday; the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off; you won't bring it back!"

What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday? Christmas because everything is hanging.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?" The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.

If you were food, what would you be?

Friend 1: Pizza because I’m so cheesy. Friend 2: Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends. Me: Donut because I’m so empty inside.

What game does an emo hate the most? Cut the Rope.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words? The Windows XP log-out sound.