There jokes

Got fired from work for drinking on the job

They're strict about that sort of thing at the sperm bank.

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”

How much did Cain beat his brother?

As much as he was abel

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."

The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

After having sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" was not the correct response.

I'm going to an open casket funeral later, and I'm not sure if I'll enjoy it or not...

Remains to be seen.

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy...

That we have health insurance.

What do you call a line at the gay bar?

An LGBT queue.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift...

But I couldn't find a manual...

Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.

Two morticians meet in a bar...

...and talk about their jobs. The first mortician says to the other: "Today I got a woman who had a clitoris like a pickled cucumber". the other one asks: "What, so big?" "No," says the first, "so salty!"

I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the future good for him.

Prison may be just one word

But for some people it's a whole sentence

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Always Wanted to get Married

My daughter always dreamed of getting married when she was a little girl.

So we converted to Islam.

Most people are assholes. Don't believe me?

Next time you see a group of people, yell out "hey, asshole!"

All of them will turn and look.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.