You jokes

How much do you weigh after eating Chinese food?

Wonton

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

When my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant I started crying in despair

I know too well what is it like to grow without a father ...

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

I fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels

She didn't know I existed

Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....

cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

My dad died recently.

He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.

I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,

“Be positive”.

How Long is an Asian man’s name.

Hint: It’s not a question.

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?

Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”

Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?

Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

The Atlanta falcons just came out and said they won the Super Bowl

until the illegal second half was played.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

I like my women like I like my Uranium-235

Self-destructive, toxic, and decaying on the inside

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

**The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity**

What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?

Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...

I'm sorry..

Saw a woman get her nipple pierced in front of me at the bar last night.

On a side note, I am absolutely terrible at darts.

I plotted all of my past relationships on a chart

It had an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.

In Tribute

Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk

Man: you're on

Boy: how does sandpaper feel?

Dog: Ruff!

Boy: what's on top of a house?

Dog: Roof!

Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?

Dog: Ruth!

Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of here!

* Boy and dog walk away *

Dog to boy: should I have said Hank Aaron?