Myself jokes

What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?

He parks his car, man.

A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

I am a stock broker

I am broke after investing in stocks

Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts.

Why is there so much hate for lazy people?

I mean, they didn't even do anything.

what do you call an underwater dog?

a sub-woofer

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

I got asked out by SO many ladies today. My secret?

I was in the ladies restroom.

What's a 6.9?

A good time ruined by a period.

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

What do you call a sex-offending cat?

a Purr-vert

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

Don’t worry about Muslim suicide bombers, they can only do it once...

..Hindu suicide bombers are the real worry.

An Irish guy in front of me said, "Whale-oil beef-hooked"

I don't know what any of that has to do with forgetting your passport..

Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battle.

Anyone wanna buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

Why did the magician flunk out of school?

He couldn’t spell.

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

My three favorite things.

Eating my family and not using commas.