Other jokes

Your mom said she wanted something that could go from zero to two hundred in 3 seconds...

...so I bought her a scale.

A husband and wife are winding down in the bedroom getting ready to go to sleep

Husband "You want me to put some on TV"

Wife "Sure honey, you can pick"

Husband "Okay, I am picking either golf or porn, what do you think?"

Wife "Porn, definitely porn. You're already good at golf"

Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

She said "If we had kids I wonder what they would look like?"

I said "If we have kids, they'll be wondering what I look like."

What's a women's favorite thing to play with?

My emotions.

The one thing that all women find attractive

...a man who doesn't fall for clickbait

I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

The rock musician plays three chords for thousands of people, the jazz guitarist plays thousands of chords to three people.

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

You're so unfamiliar with the gym...

You call it James

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...

I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".

Her: I hope we die on the same day

Him: Why do you hate me, grandma?

Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?

It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.

Subway is a lot like prostitution.

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.

What did the fresh egg say to the boiling pot of water?

"It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning."

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day

Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday

They say it's because I took a day off