Today jokes

Today's a really good day...

10/10

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..

First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.

Some sad news from Australia...

the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advisors, “How many is a ‘brazillion?’”

I had sex for an hour and 20 seconds today...

Thank you daylight savings time.

Where does He-Man keep his towel?

BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!!

I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.

I read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking the other day, and it really scared me! So that's it...

Starting today, no more reading.

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourettes.

Turns out she doesn't have Tourettes.

I am a Cunt and she really does want me to Fuck off.

I decided to become vegan today

The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! ...Next Day... (Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I will fuck a cactus.

Got in trouble at a gender reveal party today

Apparently pulling my pants down is not what they had in mind.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

Met my school bully 10 years after I last saw him. He still takes my money today.

But on the other hand, he certainly knows how to make a decent sandwich.

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...

She said, she's sorry she ever married me.

I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"

By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"